Transcript:
Have you ever actually heard a word from God, straight to your mind? I often hear people discussing this, either as something people have experienced, more often as something worry about not having experienced. Mother Teresa, about whom much may be said, was pained by the fact that for the final 30 years of her life she didn't hear any locutions from God. Locutions are like visions, but not visual. She had 'em and then didn't.

Joan of Arc, who is in all ways remarkable, went to war on account of hearing God's directions. People live and die and do great and sometimes terrible things on the basis of what they've been told, or believe they've been told, which is why I think it's important to test each word you recieve, to see if it's consistent with the Gospel and the Christ. The Bible says to test all things. Even if angels arrive with plausible news, test it against the gospel. "Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world."

I've always been fascinated by the idea of hearing from God directly, simultaneously desiring and fearing it. Like magic, I can scarcely believe it without experiencing it, which doesn't say much for my faith. At the same time, if I heard the voice of Jesus tell me to do something that's terrifying because then I have to actually do it, or, Jonah-like, flee and be eaten by a fish.

If I have ever heard from God in this way, the audible spoken word, it is only one word, on a train pulling out of Sheffield station. I was asking, fretfully, 'what should I do?' An answer came, which I believe didn't come from me. 'Teach'.

This was very clear and vague, and I knew it was right, but not what it meant. I still don't entirely. I think this was the same train journey when I was convinced that I had a calling to move to Sheffield, which I did, but only 'Teach' was an audible word. I did look at various teaching and TAing positions and courses, but there are several things which count against me becoming a school teacher. First, when I was 16 I told my English teacher Mr. Bankroft that I wanted to become an English teacher, and he said 'don't'. I already knew he was very wise. Secondly, and most importantly, I'm very weak and easily bullied. Children are like cats or sharks - they know if you're vulnerable to destruction and they can prey on it. I like cats and sharks, but I don't work with them. Teachers need rigid inner confidence, and not to be fraught with such visible depression and anxiety as I have. Plus, I'm pretty face-blind and can't remember names, which is not a great combination in secondary education.

Mercifully, I wasn't told 'teach in a secondary school'. Just 'Teach'. I dabbled with the idea of schools, but I was convinced I was meant to find something different, some other way of educating. What even is a calling, and what scale is it meant to operate at?

My day job is as a teacher, tutoring Japanese adults on how to speak conversational English. Am I fulfilling my calling to teach? On a fairly literal level, yes, but I'm never sure what spiritual or material good I do. I help people remember the difference between 'I like lambs' and 'I like lamb', which does make quite a difference, but can a calling be something so small? I try to be encouraging. Indeed, I often try to encourage my students to quit their jobs and find better employers. There's a ban on talking religion or politics, but even if there wasn't, I fear I'd be politely tremulous in unhelpful ways. I do try to pursue a low-key progressive agenda, and speak about 'my sister and her wife' whenever there's a good reason. I'd like to make the phrase seem dull and commonplace, if it will do some good to make my students less suspicious of gay relationships. Gay folk in Japan don't have the rights they have over here, and I hope some of my students are heartened, or persuaded not to respond too harshly to the idea. I never really mention my non-binarism. Were I binary trans I feel I could reference it, but non-binarism feels a complex topic to drop into a class apropos of nothing. Is this how I'm meant to teach, to do the bare minimum to decrease people's unconscious discrimination overseas? Maybe. I don't actually know.

I've been in that job seven years, and I've never been convinced I'm fulfilling my calling. How else do I, or can I, teach? Recently I've moved on from thinking there's one specific teaching job I'm meant to inhabit. 'Teach' wasn't a clue to hunt one set vacancy. It was an open brief, and I can be teaching in a range of different capacities. My job, my church, holiday camps, the Internet, my everyday life.

It's been on my heart for yonks to make a podcast or a set of videos, which is in fact what this is, trying to be, if not educational, helpful. I think if I ever actually make it 'I'm teaching you' it'll be horrible. I once invited some Mormon missionaries around for a conversation, but they viewed it overwhelmingly as them teaching me, which isn't what I'd agreed to at all! People don't want to be taught. They want ideas, and to be able to think about them.

My hope and intent with this podcast is to talk about my faith, Christianity and the Bible, and make some of it seem interesting, because some of it is. It's not meant to be a dreary chore, but something we can all engage with. And I'd like to talk to interesting people who have nothing to do with Christianity, and just find out about them, without any particular agenda except learning from them about interesting things as well. My ability to compel anyone to believe anything is next to zero. I realised long ago that the only person you can ever convince of anything is yourself, which is why it's good to be open to at least testing and considering new ideas. I think that's some kind of teaching, from which I hope everyone gains.

Most days I go out and walk for an hour or so. A tweenager cycled up to me today - I'd guess he was 13 or so - and asked me a question, and I do always appreciate questions, as it means someone has an idea and they're open to learning more. He asked, 'are you a boy or a girl?'

I said, 'what?' and I popped my headphone out.

'Are you a boy or a girl?'

'No,' I said.

'Well what are you then?' he asked.

'I'm miscellaneous.'

'Eh?'

'I'm miscellaneous'

'What's that mean?'

'It means I'm somewhere inbetween.'

'That's weird,' he said.

'Yeah!' I said.

He started to cycle away, but turned and asked, 'do you have implants?'

'Do I have what?'

'Do you have implants?'

'No,' I answered, and, indicating my torso in a general way, 'This is all home-grown'.

So I guess, whatever else I am, I'm educational.