1. |
An Unearthly Cheese
02:30
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After Earth, I feared a dearth
Of stilton, sweet and clean,
But Unearthly Cheese
Tastes however you please
From the TARDIS food machine.
I go wild for mature or mild,
Red Leicester, blue cheese green.
An Unearthly Cheese
Tastes however you please
From the TARDIS food machine.
The food machine (so many flavours)!
The food machine (those cheesy quavers)!
The food machine (so won’t you save a slice for me)!
Cheddar, marscapone, feta, cheshire, Philadelphia, brie!
The Cheese of Marinus, fit for a baroness,
On your TV screen.
An Unearthly Cheese
Tastes how you please
From the TARDIS food machine.
The food machine (a hearty portion)!
The food machine (no need for caution)!
The food machine (no cost, extortion, price or fee)!
Cheddar, marscapone, feta, cheshire, Philadelphia, Wensleydale!
I mentioned the Cheese of Marinus,
Let me tell you more:
A continent at war!
We had to fill the cheeseboard and
We had to beat the Voord,
But the final bit was a counterfeit,
And the monsters were destroyed!
If you want Cheese with holes on Marco Poles,
Or Kublai Khan Cuisine,
An Unearthly Cheese
Tastes however you please
in the TARDIS food machine.
The food machine (Until The Chase)!
The food machine (We travelled Space)!
The food machine (The human race, we’re absentees)!
Cheddar, marscapone, feta, cheshire, Philadelphia, cheese!
One bite bacon, another bite eggs:
it’s incredible, that’s edible.
In the odd debris of a junkyard we
Found adventure unforeseen:
An unearthly cheese
Tastes however you please
In the TARDIS food machine!
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2. |
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Let me tell you all the tale
Of the Piper of McCrimmon.
Who made the menfolk wail,
And angered all the women.
He piped the cheese straight off the shelf
Of pantry and of store:
Our Drumloch and our Inverness,
We never saw them more.
Let me tell you all the tale
Of the Piper of McCrimmon.
Who made the menfolk wail,
And angered all the women.
He made his base in Brigadoon;
He sought to do me ill.
We met again upon the moon,
I tussled with him still
Let me tell you all the tale
Of the Piper of McCrimmon.
Who made the menfolk wail,
And angered all the women.
I saw he was a metal man,
He didnae have a kilt on.
He had no tartan and no clan;
He’ll never get ma stilton.
Let me tell you all the tale
Of the Piper of McCrimmon.
Who made the menfolk wail,
And angered all the women.
I hoped that we could make him fly.
For Crowdie Cheese, I dared!
And now he’s dancing in the sky
And I’m McCrimmon’s Laird!
Scotland, Scotland, Scotland, Scotland,
Scotland, Scotland, Scottish Scotland.
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3. |
Mottainai!
03:16
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My venerable teacher on Gallifrey
Said milk is not just curds and whey
Don’t throw your waste out carelessly
For each cheese has a dignity
It’s a shame for the cheesiest cheese to die
Yes he taught me the principle of Mottainai
I had a few words for the weary Thal
As we chatted over Riesling and Emmental
Destroying foes is far from nice
Blow them up or entomb in ice
Don’t throw away lives on a dream of glory
It pays to be conservatory
I told the chap, don’t go and die
What of
Mottainai
Jo, that’s why
We recycle, never waste
Save the planet
Eat the stilton
Add a little wine to taste.
But when talking fails, I can never resist,
Oh I roll my sleeves and use my fists
With the slightest of moves I’ll shout out HAI
In accord with the principles of Mottainai
It pays to conserve one’s energies,
For life’s not always port and cheese.
Sometimes one’s palatte can grow dry
Mottainai
Jo, that’s why
Re-use is duty, time’s a perk
Save your paper
Don’t waste ink
I have no time for paperwork
Down at the Global Chemical plant
I made my point and I made my stand
I said ‘good grief, Stevens, don’t be a fool!
Don’t sell your planet for a fossil fuel’
But Mottainai couldn’t make him budge,
Nor meditate on flammable sludge.
He blew the whole place sky high
Mottainai
Jo, that’s why
These communes live on mushroom soup
See a power
In each flower
Love in every cantaloupe
So the fledgeling flies the coop
Such is Mottainai
And now my end is here at last
The new man comes, the old must pass
I crossed the void beyond the mind
I ate the cheese, I kept the rind
I’ll lay me down and close my eyes
(Was I ever dignified)
But where there’s life there’s…
(with regeneration energy:)
MOTTAINAI !
Yes that’s why
Large as life and good as new
Back for more
For number four, it’s
Television’s Dr Who (…echoed)
And he’s our guy
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4. |
The Reign of Cheddar
05:29
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Have I the right
To touch these cows together?
Eliminate the blight
The cheese they call the cheddar
Break the chains,
The cheese unfetter
Put the poison in
Never let it begin
The cheese that won
The greatest fame
The sacred fire
The sacred flame
And is my meddling
All to blame?
Have I the right
To touch these cows together?
Eliminate the blight
The cheese they call the cheddar
Could this be the night
I destroy it altogether
The cheese atop the list
Will cease to exist!
Cheddar in the end
Will be all that is left
I know it as the strongest
The mightiest and/the best
Cathedral City
The City of Death
Have I the right
To touch these cows together?
Eliminate the blight
The cheese they call the cheddar
It isn’t black and white
And I don’t know whether
To blot it out
Or let it sprout
If it were a virus
I’d eradicate
If it were an evil
I wouldn’t hesitate
But with such a flavour
Such a taste
Have I the right
To touch these cows together?
Eliminate the blight
The cheese they call the cheddar
Start to ignite
Run hell for leather
Touch the cow
Do it now
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5. |
Teen Math
02:41
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Cheese in N-space, not like E-space
Whey back home I had my Cheese-space
Milked arithmetic full-throttle
I like brie mathematically modelled
Call me Adric, genius teen
My mind’s quicker than an adding machine
Mathemagic’s my vocation
Summoning brie by calculation
Wake at noon from comfy slumbers
Breakfast starts with chanting numbers
Mathematical excellence
Is a higher form of common sense
I like brie with a little bit o riverfruit
Steal it, peel it, life’s a hoot
Artful dodging, petty crime
Pretty, whiney, travels in time.
The tale’s true, and very tragic
Evermore remember Adric
He crashed down in history!
Genius child, I do the math
Never take time for a shower or a bath
I wear pyjamas in my home
And I wear brie, it’s my cologne
Tegan, Nyssa, love that smell
And I’ll bet the Master does as well
What’s so bad about the smell of cheese?
What can be fresher than a wafting breeze
People make me sad and hungry
What can I do but answer bluntly?
Sometimes I lose confidence,
But when I’m making my brie and wearing my scents,
I can feel so proud of my mathemathemagic,
Tell you all the story of the boy named Adric,
Be the hero of my science,
Star and intellectual giant.
Block o cheese transfer computation,
That’s my standard deviation.
No flies in my numerical ointment.
Charge it to my vacuum emboitment!
But even with Brie I feel alone.
Sometimes I wish I could go back home.
It won’t be easy, the risk is high,
But I’m clever and bright and I’ll never die.
He crashed down in history!
And he can never return to me!
Gotta do the math!
It’s my Alzarian metabolism!
Gotta do the math!
Fade out.
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6. |
Halloumi
03:48
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In all my travels through space and time
There’s cheddar and chips, and gouda and lime
Fourme d’Ambert of sweetest blue
They’re still in the deli compared to you!
They cheese that won me, cheered me, grew me
Barbecued Halloumi.
But now I put that course aside
For healthy juice and exercise
Nevermore a stilton pie
Nevermore a butterfly
If Melanie Bush ever truly knew me
She’d serve up Halloumi
Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Why, Melanie, you amaze me.
Now Evelyn liked her chocolate cake
And Perpugilliam could make
The most enticing sauerkraut
But that’s not what I dream about.
A single, succulent slice’d do me,
Flavourful Halloumi.
My feta feast has fed me fat
There’s nothing especially wrong with that
But Mel’s austerity and fasting
Regimen is everlasting
If I break and snack, so sue me!
… I’d want Halloumi.
Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Now, Melanie, you amaze me.
Are you trying to erase me? I mean…
Constant culinary dismay
In time, I’m sure I’ll wither away
And as my pants grow hollow and roomy
Still I’ll crave Halloumi (echoed)
Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Now, Melanie, you amaze me.
The Grand Dame of the Grand Guignol
Would save me from cholesterol
The grand fromage - she’s likely right
To keep my from my sweet delight
The cheese that cheered me, won me, grew me,
Barbecued Halloumi.
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7. |
Transit
01:20
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Too Broad and Too Deep for the Small Cheese!
Too Broad and Too Deep for the Small Cheese!
Too Broad and Too Deep for the Small Cheese!
Too Broad and Too Deep for the Cheap, Cheap Cheese!
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8. |
Doctrinaire
03:32
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This body was born in a hospital -
It's never going back there.
I rule out human medicine:
No doctors, I’m a doctrinaire.
'Physician heal thyself, never never get ill',
They’ve said since they age of Jesus.
Every-everybody pops some kinda pill;
I pop creams and cheeses.
They told me cheese is a dangerous hobby,
It’ll warp your mind, and distort your body.
I’ve had seven already, so I’m under no pressure;
I’m in Heaven already with this mound of Cheshire.
It’s the fountain of youth, it’s the miracle cure,
And my body is proof, and my mind is sure,
And I got two hearts, got a lotta love to foster.
Double double lovin' for some double Gloucester.
Chorus
Take me to a county where the cheese is pretty,
Fibre town, Cholestorol City.
Thiamin, niacin, calcium,
Nom nom nom nom yum yum yum.
Lactase Lactose Spironolactone,
Prolactin’ll help you grow yourself a backbone.
Iron and folate, lactalbumin!
Beta-lactoglobulin!
Chorus
American Cheese sets my stomach on fire:
All natural milk but a little bit higher.
One bite of a brie and my legs both dance.
It’s natural milk, but the milk’s enhanced.
This body was born in a hospital -
It's never going back there.
I rule out human medicine:
No doctors, I’m a doctrinaire.
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9. |
Cheese No More
02:49
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Cheese no more.
Cheese no more,
As this war
Grows sore:
Sore afraid.
Whatever tables may be laid,
Far away, long ago,
No more.
Children cry,
Time must fly,
So must I,
So must I!
No time to dine:
Dining is too easy.
No cheese, believe me.
No More.
Not a moment,
Not an instant
For a cheddar,
Nor a cheshire,
Nor a cry.
O who am I?
Cheese no more.
Cheese no more,
As this war
Grows sore:
Sore afraid.
Whatever tables may be laid,
Far away, long ago,
No more.
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10. |
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I got those blue cheese blue box blues
They won’t leave me alone
I got those blue cheese blue box blues
I blew away my home
I got those blue cheese bluuuues
I guess I’m all alone
I used to love that blue cheese smell
So sweet, so like a rose
I used to love that blue cheese smell
But everybody knows
You love that blue cheese smell too long
Your cheese will decompose
I got those blue cheese blue box blues
I can’t get off that time-track
I got those blue cheese blue box blues
From Captain ‘Monterey’ Jack
I got those blue cheese blue box blues
But that cheese is going black
I used to love that blue cheese taste
I played the longest game
I used to love that blue cheese taste
Now all cheese tastes the same
I used to love that blue cheese taste
I got myself to blame
Only myself to blame
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11. |
New Teeth to Bite You
00:54
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New Teeth to bite you
I’ve a hand to fight you
Cheddar you delight,
You light my way
Tatter tongue to taste you
I would never waste you
I would rather paste you
In my hearts to stay
This is who I am
The man who never would
Prioritise jam
Cheese is my food.
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12. |
I Wanna Go
03:13
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I wanna go
Where the soft cheese flows.
I wanna swim with a dolphin.
You gotta know
That I love it so,
If you cut it thick or thin.
I don’t wanna go
Where the cheese don’t go.
Oh, we’re living in the nineties now.
From the udder of a dairy cow
Comes the river of a cheese
To do with as we please!
Chorus
Hey we’re living in a party town.
Here’s the lunchable you can’t turn down;
Whether you be mouse or Ood,
A monumental food!
Chorus
Mozzarella or a Provolone,
Molto Bene, Marscapone!
Eating Fondue with a spoon,
My song is ending soon.
I wanna let myself go.
An em of emmental, a bite gruyere!
C’est la recipe de grandmamere.
Fantastique, delicieux!
Voice, le fromage bleu!
Chorus
Time for emmental and party weather;
Space for eating every cheese together.
They say my song’s end is nigh,
It means I’m gonna die.
Chorus
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13. |
Roquefort, Trenzalore
04:05
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Roquefort
On Trenzalore!
Roquefort,
And silence must fall!
Or a thousand years of war
And Roquefort!
The grandeur
Of cheeses like roquefort
Grows lesser as
You fear the skies.
This cheese is for Summer
And flowers and colour,
With Summer delight
Not Winter and night.
CHORUS
A picnicking area
Safer and farer.
What’s scarier? Handles,
Or Roquefort and Candles,
Or armies above,
Or shedding of blood,
Or cheeses with mould,
Or growing old?
CHORUS
They will die,
some of these,
Never tasting
Summer Cheese.
In the chill
of the night,
In the kill
of the fight.
CHORUS
Roquefort,
On Trenzalore,
No more.
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14. |
I Prefer Meat
02:55
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I’d ask the Doctor if he’d please —
What’s the deal with him and cheese?
I’d think the first cuisiney hurdle
Is to keep the milk uncurdled
I’m the Mistress of this feast,
I want fish and bird and beast!
Don’t make a dairy cow of Daisy
When her beef could drive you crazy!
It’s no treat, unless it’s meat
Why have milk when you can have the teat?
Death! I’ll take it on a plate:
Muscles in their final state!
Some killing’s needed for real power
You can’t have dairy sweet ’n’ sour
Terrorise those tasty sheep!
Cut them down and make them weep
Mince the pigs and stew the geese
Lambs are there for more than fleece
Everyone’s an animal,
Eat them up and you’ll be full!
Exterminate a dalek roast,
then move on to your meaty host!
It’s no treat, unless it’s meat
Why have milk when you can have the teat?
Death! I’ll take it on a plate:
Muscles in their final state!
Some killing’s needed for real power
Brie won’t make your victims cower!
Mad, I may be; cruel, I’m clearly,
But I hate those nachos dearly.
Foolish doctor dairyphile!
All his cheeses taste like bile!
Cursed be all those cheesemakers,
Churning Wensleydale by acres!
Bastions of babybel
Have a space reserved in hell.
Instrumental.
Let Doccy advocate his feta
Try this sirloin steak - it’s betta!
Richer, hotter, full of iron
Eat a chicken! Eat a lion!
You can keep your cheesy scone,
Meat is murder - bring it on!
Human, bacon, emu, foal;
all of them at my control!
It’s no treat, unless it’s meat!
Why have milk when you can have the teat?
Death! I’ll take it on a plate:
Muscles in their final state!
Some killing’s needed for real power.
Cheese has reached its final hour!
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Ben Swithen Sheffield, UK
Ben Swithen is a person.
Here you can find their music - solo work, and a Doctor-Who-
and-Cheese double-concept concept-album by The Potential Bees (who are a two- or three- person band), which forces both concepts into every song).
You can also find Ben Swithen on Youtube, but why would you even?
... more
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