My birthday is the eleventh of October, which is six months away, and is also International Coming Out Day, but I’ve never yet come out to anyone, as anything, on my birthday, which is a pity, as I don’ enjoy coming out and I usually don’t enjoy my birthday, so they ought to be a good combination, as there’s no real risk of spoiling the day.

Coming out as just about anything feels like a confession or a declaration of love. It’s a moment that your relationship will hinge on. Unlike a declaration of love, it not usually mutual, and there’s a chance you’ll discover you’ve opened up to a bigot, or someone who is sure they’re not a bigot but is nonetheless bigot-adjacent. It can take years of anxiety and fear before you come out and find it’s a total non-issue

The first people I came out to as trans/non-binary were a pair of live comedy perfirmers and promoters I know. I hadn’t planned to, but I was psyching myself up to come out to my housemates, which i did a week later. My friends were very accepting, and said they had had an inkling. They got straight into wondering what gender even is, and one then said that identity politics weren’t very useful to furthering the couse of marxism, which was a pity, as I rather like furthering the cause of marxism.

I think I’m most daunted by coming out to fellow Christians. Christians can tend to be more socially conservative, and I fear triggering their disgust, which I know is an ugly phrase for me to use. I fear that people I know, who are siblings in Christ might rebuke me, and in good conscience try to eject me from the church, and with whatever good intention push me back into the churning self-doubt that kept me in the closet and lonely so long. Hiding some core part of your life is extremely lonely.

Despite my worries, I came out to my vicar, Nick Dawson because I felt a sense of accountability. It’s not that I needed his acknowledgement or approval, but I felt I was dishonest if I kept saying nothing, and that my dishonesty could drive a wedge between us. I told him I was on the transgender spectrum, and he too was very supportive, and gave me four very good pieces of advice.

1. Make sure you’re transitioning for the right reason. Make sure you’re doing it because of gender dysphoria, not because of some past trauma.
2. Do it prayerfully and carefully. I absolutely stand by this. I talked to God about my gender and my transition before I spoke to anyone else
3. Don’t expect transition to cure all depression and fix your entire mental health. If you go in expecting a miracle cure you’ll probably get disillusioned nd disappointed. This is solid advice, as there’s no earthly thing that can solve this life’s malaise in a truly lasting way - as I discover after every bit of retail therapy
4. I can’t remember what the fourth thing was, but I know it was solid advice, and wise as well.

As it turned out, I’m not the only trans person in the congregation, though my tendency to go to the evening service means I’ve never yet met my fascinating counterpart.

I wish the Bible had some good advice on coming out. We never really see anyone confess a personal secret, and find out how their friends and relatives react and accept them. Mary comes out as pregnant, but it’s not the same. True, God made her pregnant and God made me trans, but I don’t think it’s the same. Jesus came out to his apostles as ‘’doomed to die’, which is a remarkably specific thing to be and is distinct from ‘coming out as dying’ - and by the way, anyone struck by sudden unstoppable illness may find ‘coming out as dying’ to be a real and urgent necessity - but his case, ‘I must take upon myself the sin of the world, and be executed, and die, and then be resurrected’ gives us no real pointers on how to say, for instance ‘God made me gay’.

The one pointer the Bible does give is encouragement to be honest. Not to deceive, but to speak honestly to God and to our fellows. There are, however, plenty of parables which encourage a bit of discretion. Don’t feel obliged to come out to a fool, who will only make strife. But here, again, I’m generalising passages quite broadly. If you have any suggestions on better coming out hints and tips in scripture, I’m all ears.

By the way, on the subject of coming out as dying, I thought of an audacious tactic. If I found I was unexpectedly weeks from death, I could go to anyond I fancy, get down on one knee and ask them to be my widow. Hopefully the embarrassing slash exciting surprise of the proposal will offset the implied sentence of death. Get the awkwardness of mortality off your own shoulders by giving them the social awkwardness of turning down a proposition. If anyone listening does genuinely use my tactic to soften the news of their surprise death, let me know how it went, and I will gladly come and sing at your funeral.

Coming out as anything has always taken me far too long. Thanks to Ben-Them I’ve few secrets left to hide, so I might have blown my chance to *ever* come out on my birthday. I hope your journey doesn’t leave you too long in the shadows. Come out when you feel safe to. It’l be a great relief when you do.